


let me see your heart

by 214jae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 13:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18316007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/214jae/pseuds/214jae
Summary: Taeyong just wants to have a peaceful sleep at night, a certain pair of arms to sleep on, and a light feeling when he wakes up in the morning as the blinding rays of the sun gaze back at him.





	let me see your heart

**Author's Note:**

> a gift from me to jaeyong nation for april fools day <3
> 
> title derived from nct 127's dreaming

2:38 AM

The clock ticks by, two bottles of wine emptied, and Taeyong still lies awake, staring at the ceiling as if he's asking for a fight.

He closes his eyes and wills himself to sleep, to take the hand of whoever is it that will lead him to a nice, deep, slumber, but it's hard. Difficult. Now that he's alone, the other side of the bed is too cold to sleep on, and there's too much warmth from his own body due to the wine he has consumed, everything is too much. But even then, he still longs for warmth. Someone else's that will comfort him and lull him to sleep, the warmth that will stay, be there until he wakes up.

Taeyong faces the other side of the bed, his cheek resting on the back of his hand and the other somewhat cradling his head.

It's been exactly 365 days, and somehow Taeyong could still remember how he looked like whenever they're together in bed. Fresh in the afterglow of making love, late night talks, special breakfasts in bed, occasional body massages whenever work is excessive for one of them.

It's been a year, and somehow Taeyong still hasn't moved on. His heart still feels everything, feelings still fresh as if he just discovered them yesterday.

Taeyong breathes through his mouth, even breathing through his nose seems too difficult for him. Too much work, something not worthy of lifting a finger for. The smell of wine hits his nostrils as he does so, and he's reminded of the times they'd drink wine together. Whenever they're feeling too extravagant, whether it be during fancy dinner dates, their anniversaries, or soaking together in the bathtub.

He opens his eyes and there he sees him, Jaehyun, his high school boyfriend, his college heartthrob, his husband, his other half. He's in the same position as Taeyong, staring at him with so much love, smiling down at him because Lee Taeyong is the most precious thing that has ever happened to him.

Tears well up to Taeyong's eyes, and when he smiles back he could faintly feel the hot tears streaming down his face. Jaehyun would always dry them with his thumb, telling him that he gets ugly when he cries and would laugh softly at him just to make the mood lighter.

He feels so delighted, chest swelling with so much emotions, just like when he had first laid his eyes on Jaehyun.

But when Jaehyun reaches out to him, to wipe his tears and sorrow away, he's suddenly gone. The image of Jaehyun's dimpled smile and crinkled eyes dissipate into ashes, disappearing through the open window, and suddenly Taeyong's all alone again.

_I've done everything, baby._

-

Taeyong slowly opens his eyes, the wind through the open window shakes his soul awake, and it makes the other side of the bed lose its color even more, colder.

He turns and glances at the clock on the nightstand. 5:16 AM, it said. He got at least two and a half hours long of sleep, but it's still not sufficient for him. Having drank almost every kind of alcohol known to mankind, he thought he'd finally lose acknowledge of the pain, numb it to the core and let it leave him alone, but it's still there. And today, the pain's gotten heavier and a hundred times excruciating.

His chest tighten, he tries breathing through his nose and even almost forgets how to do so. It's been a while since he lived normally. He screws his eyes shut, his hand gripping his shirt.

_But I still cant seem to forget about you._

A knock startles him out of his reverie, and for a second he contemplates whether or not to open it, he already knows who's outside and why they're here anyway.

Even getting up and letting his feet touch the tiled floor are burdensome, his body feels heavy and he feels his head throbbing. He shouldn't even have drank too much, he's a lightweight and a sad drunk, one who can't take care of himself. Jaehyun would always tell him that, after spending a day out and putting on a facade that he can drink more than one glass of soju. Taeyong would always roll his eyes at him, and he'd always tell him that it's fine if he drinks too much until he can't lift a finger anymore, because Jaehyun will always be there.

Taeyong chuckles bitterly as he walks over to the door. Jaehyun will always be there, but he doesn't seem to know how that is now.

He opens the door, noting how he forgot to lock it again before going to bed, Jaehyun would've scolded him if he ever found out. He's greeted by Doyoung wearing a worried expression on his face. Taeyong walks back to the living room and lets Doyoung come in without much of a greeting.

Doyoung enters Taeyong and Jaehyun's bedroom without a second thought. Taeyong follows him and stands by the doorframe and idly watches as Doyoung basically inspects the room.

The younger looks at Taeyong over his shoulder, "Have you been drinking again?"

Taeyong takes a moment to respond, "As if I ever stopped." He exits completely and takes a seat on the couch. After a while, Doyoung follows him out.

"Yong." Taeyong doesn't respond.

It's been a year, and ever since then he'd always zone out, his mind too occupied with reminiscing the life he and Jaehyun had spent together.

"Hyung." Taeyong looks up. From where Doyoung stands in the middle of the living room, he could clearly see how much of a wreck the older is. There are bags under his eyes, his skin is paler, as if each second of the day the blood running through his veins is being fed on to an unknown creature. And the sleeves of his baggy shirt are in the middle of descending down his shoulders, barely hanging onto his scrawny shoulder blades. 

"Taeyong hyung."

"Talk, Doyoung. I'm already looking at you, am I not?" Taeyong didn't mean it, for him to come off rude and appear unfeeling, but it's true. After all the pain and suffering for the past year, he thinks he's incapable of feeling anymore unless it's the torment from his lover's passing.

"I'm not even going to ask if you're fine because you really don't look like it. I'm not going to ask you if you've eaten either." There's a pregnant pause and what seems to be a staring contest between them before Doyoung speaks again.

"But how are you feeling?"

Taeyong chuckles bitterly, it's the closest thing he could do to laughing. "Still in pain, same old, same old. How about you? Are you happy?" Doyoung licks his lips. "Yes, of course, I am."

The older smiles, it's so faint, ghostly, it doesn't reach his eyes like how it used to. "If you are then why are you here, torturing and surrounding yourself with someone who's clearly unhappy with life? Don't pity me, Doyoung, if that's what you're here for. I know..." Taeyong closes his eyes and takes a deep breathe.

"I know it's been a year, and a year isn't even that long, Doyoung. I'm still suffering, still in so much pain, not even you can cure it."

"I'm fully aware of that, hyung, because Jaehyun's the only one who can provide you what you need. But he's gone, and he wouldn't want to see you like this. He wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over him. So hyung, please take care of yourself."

Taeyong holds onto his head, squeezing it and pulling at the strands at the same time, fighting his demons and visualising Jaehyun's angel like face. His beautiful dark caramel eyes, the slope of his perfect nose, his thick eyebrows, his pink plump lips, the outline of his jawline. All of it, all of it is still so vivid in Taeyong's mind.

It's what keeps him from ending it all.

He didn't even know there are tears trickling down his face again, and they don't cease from falling due to how much he has been crying his eyes out. "I c–can't take care of myself. He's gone, Doyoung, he's gone! He's the only one who's been able to pull me out of the darkness when I let it swallow me whole. He's the only one who can take care of me when everything is too much and I don't care about myself anymore."

He feels a pair of arms wrap around him, and he lets Doyoung cradle his head and rest it on his chest as he continues sobbing. It's warm, not the kind he's been longing for, but he lets it be. He wants someone else's warmth after all, although it's not Jaehyun's.

Doyoung gently shushes him, patting his head as he whispers words of comfort into Taeyong's ear.

"It's fine, hyung. I'm here."

_Why aren't you here instead, Jaehyunie?_

Doyoung spends the rest of the day at the couple's apartment, entertaining himself until Taeyong finally wakes from his sleep. When he emerges from the bedroom, cheeks still tainted with crisp tears from earlier, he's greeted by the smell of food from the kitchen.

It's been a week since he ate a home cooked meal.

He enters the kitchen and sees Doyoung placing the utensils on the table. He looks up when he realizes the presence of the older in the room and smiles as he gestures for him to take a seat across from him. As if on cue, Taeyong's stomach growls lightly as he takes a seat.

Doyoung sniggers, making Taeyong smile genuinely, although it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Doyoung thinks they should take baby steps, Taeyong is still having a hard time after all.

They eat silently, with Taeyong occasionally making comments about the side dishes Doyoung had made.

"Hyung."

"Yeah?

"I'm sorry."

Taeyong looks up and places the chopsticks and spoon on the table. "There's nothing–"

"I'm sorry for not being there for you for the past year. I feel like I didn't do my best as your best friend, I feel like I left you in the dark. I let you suffer alone." Taeyong reaches his hand out to Doyoung's, intertwining their fingers together.

"There's nothing you should be sorry about, Doie." The nickname makes Doyoung smile, it's been so long since he heard it from Taeyong. "You have a family of your own, you have your own boyfriend, you have other friends. You have your own life too, you're not obliged to take care of me. I'm not your responsibility."

Tears start to form in Doyoung's eyes, and Taeyong almost laughs at how his best friend tried blinking several times, even looked up to the ceiling to stop the tears that are threatening to fall.

"Even Taeil hyung is worried about you, hyung, but he couldn't come today because he's still working his shift at the hospital." Taeyong cringes at the mention of a hospital and Doyoung notices and immediately apologizes.

"It's alright, I'll get used to it. Soon. Maybe."

"And you're my responsibility, hyung."

"What?"

"Jaehyun told me to take care of you."

_Please take care of me, Jaehyunie._

-

Taeyong opens his eyes and immediately closes it the moment the blinding sun greets his barely awake eyes. He rolls to the other side and is greeted by a pair of arms, holding him gently. It's comfortable, it makes him feel light. It's a nice feeling.

His mind is still having a tough time processing, but he faintly hears the voice of his lover and Doyoung's name, as if Jaehyun is on a phone call.

When he opens his eyes, this time instead of the blinding rays of the sun, he's greeted by Jaehyun's dimpled smile and dark caramel orbs. Taeyong smiles and Jaehyun leans in to press a kiss on his lips. Taeyong didn't miss how Jaehyun placed his phone on the bedside table before doing so.

"Why are you awake this early?" Taeyong asks, his voice a little hoarse.

"It's already 8 am, that's not early. And I couldn't sleep when I woke up to pee, so I just watched you sleep instead. You were mumbling something too, it was too adorable I couldn't wake you up." Taeyong pinches Jaehyun's nose. "Very sweet."

Jaehyun just laughs, and it gives Taeyong a warm feeling in his chest. Jaehyun always gives him that feeling, that feeling where he feels like he can go a whole week without letting his problems hinder him from his happiness. That feeling where he feels like he's blooming, it's always Jaehyun.

"Jaehyunie, I dreamt about you."

Jaehyun's eyebrows furrow in confusion and interest, "Really? Tell me about it." He pulls Taeyong closer to place kisses on his face, carving each corner of Taeyong's face to his mind as if it's the last time that he'll be able to see it.

Taeyong closes his eyes, letting the feeling of Jaehyun's lips linger a little longer. "Nevermind, it's my dream so only I get to know about it."

Jaehyun pouts and tries to imitate the puppy eyes that Taeyong always used to give him. "You're telling me about it over breakfast, whether you like it or not."

Taeyong juts his tongue at Jaehyun, playfully telling him that he won't be telling him about his dream. Jaehyun proceeds to tickle him, focusing more on his sides because that's where Taeyong is the most ticklish. "Wait, wait!" Taeyong tries to say in the middle of giggles. Eventually, Jaehyun stops, a playful smile still playing on his lips as the older tries to breathe.

"What if you couldn't sleep because you were awake in my dream?" Technically, you weren't, Taeyong wanted to add.

Jaehyun raises his eyebrow, "And?"

"You were awake in my subconscious? Hence, you couldn't sleep." Jaehyun hums in acknowledgement. "You still believe in that?"

Taeyong nods and Jaehyun laughs so hard, the type to have his whiskers appear on his face. It makes Taeyong's lips curve up to a smile, and he mindlessly traces the outlines of it.

Jaehyun leans in to press his lips against Taeyong's in a fervent and languid kiss. Jaehyun licks his lips and Taeyong hums as he opens his mouth for the younger's tongue to taste. Taeyong grips on Jaehyun's shirt tightly, Jaehyun pulling Taeyong even closer to his body, to feel his soul and every fiber of his being.

Taeyong's the first one to pull away, cupping the sides of Jaehyun's face. He pecks Jaehyun's lips once, noticing how red, bruised, and inviting it looks after a heated makeout session. He looks heavenly.

"We'll be together forever, right?"

The surprise on Jaehyun's face is evident. He clearly did not presume such a question from Taeyong. Then suddenly his heart hammers in his chest, the room is suddenly too small for him to breathe in properly, and the hands that are holding on to Taeyong ever so gently feel too clammy.

"Hyunie?" Jaehyun's grip on Taeyong's waist tightens. He places a kiss on Taeyong's cheek, letting it remain for a few seconds before he pulls back and speaks.

"Of course, 'til death do us apart."

He pulls Taeyong to him and lets him bury his face in his neck, his arms latched into Taeyong and his chin resting on the crown of Taeyong's head.

He vowed to be with Taeyong for the rest of his life, through thick and thin, in richer and in poorer, through best times and worst times, and he wishes he could fulfill all of it. Taeyong smiles and suddenly what was written on the medical test results a month ago disappears from his mind.

 _Patient Jung Jaehyun_  
_Diagnosed with heart cancer_

 _"You only have a year, Jaehyun."_ He remembers the doctor saying.  _"Make the most of it."_

**Author's Note:**

> belated happy april fools day :PPPPpp please don't hate me i know this sucked hhhh thank U for reading!!! 
> 
> find me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/huangszn)


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